Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
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penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.