If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
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If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Britain be like
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
I see your IQ test came back negative