when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
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the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.