When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
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I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
This week’s mood.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
awkward
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
inside you are two wolves
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.