If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
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“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Customize Your Wedding.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
You wish you had this many chins.