Love is always patient and kind.
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My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
The prophecy is fulfilled
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.