I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
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I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Spring of Deception
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.