Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
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[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Grandmother clock.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg