[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
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I have many caverns
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to