If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
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DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.