Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
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I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”