Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
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Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?