[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
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911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
The smoothest fall of all time