I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
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Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Just so funny
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*