I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
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Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
If I ignore life will it go away?
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Watson was Holmes schooled
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…