That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
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aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing