Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
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“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
this is how life feels
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough