I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
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*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.