I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
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I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.