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In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.