i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
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[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
2022 will be better than 2021
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask