I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
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me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
You can’t rush stupid.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji