We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
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Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾