the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
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I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Spotted in New Orleans.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes