sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
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Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.