I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
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Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.