thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
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[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
What a kind woman! 😂😂
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”