My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
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No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”