There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
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Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
The internet is magic sometimes.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier