3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
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Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline