ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
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Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
I’m too immature for adultery.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
getting corrected
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am