16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
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Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”