[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
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what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.