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me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.