when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
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I love it all
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.