Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
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Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.