Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
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Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Home is where your toilet is.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.