living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
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If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Running from your problems is cardio .
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.