[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
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Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
sugar glider wrangler
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach