People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
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Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
How animals would run if they were human
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole