This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
You Might Also Like
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
the short answer to this question