“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
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Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true