me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
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What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
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4.
5.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.