every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
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The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Truth. 😆😭😮💨