me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
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“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.