Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
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If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
asking santa clause for nudes
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.