The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
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It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Brands during Pride
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start