me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
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Delightful if true: booby trap.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
cats when you pet them too long: