Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
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Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Spotted in New Orleans.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
This headline is a thing of beauty
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
ready to be harvested
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.