“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
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The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.